When someone gives birth to a huge baby, everyone is all sympathies — “oh that poor mom” — but when someone gives birth to a tiny baby, it’s the exact opposite. The most common response I got to my 5 pound, 12 ounce pipsqueak was: “lucky you!” with a little wink. I’m not saying a …
The baby registry. So much excitement and stress all rolled up into one task. Registering can be one of the most fun stages of being pregnant, but if you’re a psychotic over-analyzer like me, it’s also a massive undertaking. I felt the need to make sure I was choosing the “best” of everything. Like, literally everything (thank god for Lucie’s List). I researched the best crib mattress cover, the best changing pad, the best bottle brush… I was insane; believe me when I say those things don’t matter. Do not do this.
There is nothing worse than a sick baby. So helpless, so weak, so completely pathetic. They sleep all day, and when they’re awake, they just whine and groan, and there’s nothing you can do to make them feel better.
Oh wait, I’m sorry, did I say “baby” up there? I meant “husband.” There’s nothing worse than a sick husband.
You’ve probably heard it all before: all the amazing and wonderful (and condescending) ways you’ll grow when you have a baby. The new light that will shine upon you, brightening your whole world with a new bounty of knowledge and love only known to those who’ve been graced with the title of “mom” or “dad”.
There’s so much wrong with that, I can’t even begin to cover it, but one thing that’s on-point is that you will learn a lot from your little bundle of poop and spit up. It just may not be the ethereal sense of enlightenment you expected. In my (very limited) experience as a parent, these are just a few of the very important things I’ve learned:
Do you have the next three days off work? Do you have a small child? Do you hate yourself? Then by all means… Hit the road this weekend.
I’m sure you have grand visions for this trip: showing your kid quirky landmarks, playing fun car games, singing songs together as a family… It’ll be downright idyllic!
Well go ahead and set that picture on fire because that’s a better representation of the fresh hell that awaits you on the open road.