Infants

Yes, yes, I know, car seats save a lot of lives. Our parents shuttled us around in plastic buckets in the passenger seat of their cars, and it’s a miracle any of us survived that. But that doesn’t mean car seats weren’t created by an evil sadist who wants to watch the world burn.

You’ve probably heard it all before: all the amazing and wonderful (and condescending) ways you’ll grow when you have a baby. The new light that will shine upon you, brightening your whole world with a new bounty of knowledge and love only known to those who’ve been graced with the title of “mom” or “dad”.

There’s so much wrong with that, I can’t even begin to cover it, but one thing that’s on-point is that you will learn a lot from your little bundle of poop and spit up. It just may not be the ethereal sense of enlightenment you expected. In my (very limited) experience as a parent, these are just a few of the very important things I’ve learned:

A few months ago, a veteran dad pulled me aside to pass on some advice. “Oh, here we go,” I thought. “The ‘new mom’ sign on my forehead must be lit up, just begging for some unsolicited advice.” What I didn’t know was that he was actually about to give me the best advice I’ve gotten yet, and just in the knick of time.