It’s that time of year when Pinterest is flooded with things like “How to Spring Clean Your House in One Day” and “Spring Cleaning Your Whole House in 3 Easy Steps”.
I scroll through, blindly pinning them all to my Home-themed board like some kind of fool, pretending that one day I’ll actually use one of them.
But we all know that’s a lie.
For starters, we all know that “in one day” in Pinterest-speak actually means “in a solid 24 hour block of manual labor and $700 in supplies” and “3 easy steps” really means “3 super complicated steps with 17 sub-steps that have been condensed into one for the sake of a compelling headline.”
And even beyond that… what planet are you living on, Pinterest-Chrissie?!
In what world does your house remain clean for more than 15 minutes at a time? Because I want to go to there, please.
In fact, we have a cleaning crew—a whole CREW—that invades our swamp every two weeks to scrub out the nasty. And they do a bang up job.
For 5 whole magical minutes, between the time they finish cleaning and the time the toddler gets home from daycare, the house is pristine.
It smells fresh & pure.
The hallways are free of cat hair tumbleweeds.
The counters are clear of paper and tissues and socks and dried coffee and food splatter and god knows what else.
The bathroom floors are dry and free of bubble bath oversplash.
The kitchen floors… oh, the glorious kitchen floors! Not a crumb of thrown food or drop of spilled milk in sight. It’s truly magical.
And I’m not even home for those 5 magnificent minutes, most of the time. Because the second I walk in the door with my toddler tornado in tow, it’s game over.
He immediately dumps his Cheez-Its from school on the ground, and then tramples right over them.
He bee-lines for the jar of bubbles hidden behind the basket of fruit on the counter (how does he know?!) and screams BUH-BO BUH-BO BUH-BO!!! until I oblige and blow sticky, soapy bubbles all over the wood floors.
Then, he remembers he was snacking, but discovers that his precious Cheez-Its have been pulverized into the living room rug.
So he makes his way to the fridge, bangs on the beautiful streak-free stainless steel with his sticky, greasy hands, and demands berries. Since I cherish my life, I obey.
As I’m opening the produce drawer, he dives in and snatches the blueberries out from under me and takes off with them.
And that’s basically the end of that. I’ll be finding blue streaks and smushed berries all over the house for the next two weeks, until our housekeeper shows up again, lets out a big sigh, as if to say, How? Just… HOW?, and scrubs the life back into my poor disheveled home.
So no, Pinterest, I will not be trying your miracle Spring Cleaning hacks this year. I’m gonna focus my efforts on keeping my house from collapsing under the sheer weight of the mess, and call it a win.